


Moving Forward

by detective_giggles



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Anniversary, Barisi Bingo Prompt, Character Death, Fluff, M/M, a walk down memory lane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:14:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24434935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/detective_giggles/pseuds/detective_giggles
Summary: "...But Dr. Miller said something that I think I really needed to hear.  He, uh, he told me it was okay to love someone else. That it doesn’t mean I love you any less. It’s different... but still good."Sonny makes a difficult visit on a special day.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 54
Collections: Marriage Barisi Bingo





	Moving Forward

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Barisi Bingo Prompt: Anniversary. 4/5. I'm almost done with my first prompt bingo! Thanks for reading! As always, comments/kudos/constructive criticism is always welcome!

Sonny sighed as he hurried across the grass; his path familiar and well-versed. He clutched the bouquet of flowers tightly to his chest and dodged between a couple arborvitaes. Section four: up three rows, over two. He stopped at the gray granite headstone, his fingers dancing lightly across the top.

“Hey, Babe, I know I’m late, I’m sorry. I was waiting on a jury- you know how long that can take,” he said, “These are for you. Obviously,” he paused for a moment to brush some dirt and leaves off his shoulder before squatting down and placing the flowers near the base of the stone. He was silent for a long moment, his head down and eyes closed, his elbows resting on his knees. Sonny took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before carefully sitting down. He shifted, trying to get comfortable, knowing he’d likely be there a while. He always was.

“So, this DA thing is… something else,” he huffed a laugh, “I don’t know what I expected but it’s…good. It’s difficult, but I like the challenge. It’s keeping me busy, which is probably a good thing, ya know? A lot of long hours, but… It’s not like I have anything waiting at home for me,” he murmured.

“Bella was thinking about you the other day- she found some of our wedding pictures while she was unpacking. I can’t believe we got caught in that downpour, we were only outside for a couple minutes! But, uh, I guess that’s what we get for trying to sneak off to have a couple minutes alone,” he chuckled and shook his head.

Sonny leaned back, propping himself with his hand, and stretched his long legs out in front of him. He sat in silence for a while, until the sun dipped below the trees. He knew he would have to get going soon, but for now he was content to just sit and reminisce. Plus, there was another conversation he needed to have. 

“Alright, so, here’s the thing: I know when you...got sick, we talked about this. You didn’t want me to be alone... I understand that. But I have to tell you, it’s easier said than done. And I have tried. Maybe not as much as I could have but I... it’s just that nothing felt right, ya know?”

“But that guy I’ve been seeing-you remember I told you about him- well it’s, uh, it’s getting serious. He asked me to move in with him. And that scares me a little,” he admitted.

“He’s been so understanding... patient. He’s sweet, and he makes me laugh, even on those days when I can’t bring myself to get out of bed. He, uh, I know you hate cliches, but he makes me feel a little more complete. Things have been hard, since you... you know... but he helps. Like, the weight on my chest isn’t so heavy when he’s there.”

“I was having a lot of anxiety the other day, but Dr. Miller said something that I think I really needed to hear. He, uh, he told me it was okay to love someone else. That it doesn’t mean I love you any less. It’s different... but still good. Which is a good thing, because, well, I love him,” Sonny’s eyes filled with tears, his vision blurred, and he blinked rapidly trying to clear them.

“Dr. Miller also thinks I come here too much,” he paused, “I mean, he didn’t say it like that,” he explained quickly and with a sigh, “It’s just... he thinks that I’m not allowing myself to move on. I’m always coming back to you- and I can’t look forward enough to see over the horizon... I worry so much about hurting…betraying…you, but I-I’m still here and I want to live…to love.”

“So, I’ve decided I’m going to do it. I’m telling him tonight, actually. I think I owe it to myself to give this a shot. And, plus, I promised you. And I could never disappoint you.”

“But... I need to give myself some time, to make this work. I want this to work. So I’m not going to be back for a while. I mean, don’t think I’m not coming back ever, we both know I couldn’t do that. But the past few years, with you gone, has been this constant uphill battle and you know how much I have struggled just to get here. Now I need to take in the view, you know, see what else might be waiting for me.”

“I was anxious, about coming out here today, on our anniversary. It was supposed to be a new beginning for us, you and me against the world. But... all beginnings have to end for something new to-to take place... so... I guess that’s where we are.” He slowly shifted to his knees, resting his hand on the headstone once again. He mouthed a silent prayer then stood, “I’ll, uh, see you around.” He slipped his hands into his pockets and slowly made his way out of the cemetery.

He paused at the entrance and saw a familiar silhouette across the street. The figure saw him, too, and waived before slipping his phone into his pocket.

Sonny looked around and then darted between cars, not bothering to find a crosswalk.

“Hey,” the other man greeted him with a warm hug.

“Hey, Raf,” Sonny’s sorrowful blue eyes met Rafael’s green, filled with compassion.

“You okay? Do you need more time?” Rafael gestured to the direction Sonny had just come from. 

“Uh, no. I’m good. I’m ready to go home. To, um, our home?” 

“Yeah?” Rafael smiled hopefully.

“Yeah. I’m- I’m ready.” Rafael pulled Sonny into another hug.

“Alright, then, let’s go home.”

Rafael put his hand on the small of Sonny’s back, comfortingly, and the two walked to the subway in silence, without looking back.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: yikes! This was tough to write. It was intended as an attempt at a misdirection fic. Hopefully it filled the prompt okay.


End file.
